Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store

This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.

Me: Gluten Morgen!

Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?

Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!

My therapist told me that constantly fantasising about living off grid in a woodland cottage that doubles as a library that triples as an animal rescue centre, is actually a coping mechanism & a sign of exhaustion.

To which I say, well imaginary you is no longer invited

Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.

I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.

I asked my doctor about prescribing me sleep medication and he asked if I had tried “giving yourself permission to sleep” instead and now I’m so mad I don’t think I’ll ever sleep again

If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories

“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well

‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.

The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.

“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective

“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”

Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.

My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”

Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?

Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.

him: I’m like the potato of people

me: lumpy

him: no, I-

me: covered in dirt

him: god dammit

My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.

I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning

Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.

My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain

Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.

Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.

COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?

Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.

God help us.

WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine.
FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied.
ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.

Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?

[home depot]

ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock

HER: Boulder

ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK

An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.

do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy

This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer