Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.

i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…

The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious

watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it

Two windmills were sitting on a hill. One asks the other, “Do you have a favorite song?”

The other replies, “Well… all my life I have been a heavy metal fan.”

Him: Do you have any food in your purse?

Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.

Him: Not all words need to be-

Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?

GUY: my new boss is gay

ME: my new bed sheets are warm

GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?

ME: exactly

I have two selves:

One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.

Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.

*returns tent to Target*

CASHIER: What was the problem?

ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent

When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂

Me: I know what you’re thinking. Everyone thinks it’s suspicious that my husbands died of natural causes so early in life
Him: One fell while hiking, one tumbled out of his office window and the other drove his car into the ocean.
Me: Gravity is natural.

My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.

True story:

I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.

Had a vasectomy. Paid them an extra $50 so it shoots glitter

My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory

Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over

5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland

Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it

5: You should just send me

[first day as hostage negotiater]

me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo

[loud explosion from inside the bank]

[Being Tortured]

Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?

Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee

Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant

Me: We are underbudget this month!

Dog: *eats kid’s retainers*

“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”

– me whenever my wife sings while driving.

Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap

I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.

I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?

The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗

[grounding my son]

me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!

wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play

me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it

Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers

There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.

according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working