Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
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Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”
I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.
I’m just thankful that the presidential election doesn’t have a swimsuit portion.
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?
*slides over pic of him with another dog*
JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.
My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.
It’s an onion.
My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
*proposes to girlfriend*
*accidentally drops ring in the street*
“I’ll still marry you”
Sorry, I’m married to the streets now
They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.
Hey, we never talked in high school!
Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!
JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!
Torturer: just tell me what I need know
Me: NEVER
Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*
Me: OKAY I’ll talk
[house hunting]
ME: I can see us settling down here
REALTOR: oh you have a family?
ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet
I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.
My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.