Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
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My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, it’s expected.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.
Omg 🤣
Revenge served cold
[ cooking class ]
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd
Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”
phew
Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
Putting the word “rage” in everything you say you’re doing makes you sound more productive
I’m rage cleaning the house
I’m rage working this project
I’m rage homeschooling the kids
I’m rage drinking tequila
M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT[BOOM]
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!