Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.
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[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
those birds must be on payroll
Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.
Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.
Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl
WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!
Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive
They settle their differences by playing Uno
Loser leaves earth
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
Cop: Can I see some ID?
Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge
Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.