Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.
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starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone
Me: My dog has gone missing
Dog pound: What colour is it?
Me: Brown
Dog pound: Sex?
Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
Why be content with those 3 little words when you can have 6.
“Your parcel is out for delivery.”
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
MIL:
M:
MIL:
M: Gravy?
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea
not hearing back from people right away:
2002 – (two days later) They’re probably busy or out of town. I’ll catch up with them later.
2022 – (ten minutes later) ok clearly we are in a fight I didn’t know about
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
Always…
thats my bad
I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.
Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
Who called it “Monkey Business” instead of In-Ape-propriate behavior?
My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.
Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.
Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?
Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!
Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…
Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.
Me: Hey, do you wanna play Nintendo?
Dad: Actually that’s a Super Nintendo, it’s the newer version improved in practically every way.
Me Got it.
Dad: Where’s mom?
Me: Visiting Super Dad.
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.