Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.
You Might Also Like
After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.
I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..
Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
I accidentally stepped on my cat’s tail the other day. You could cut the levels of tension, hurt and mistrust with a knife. I feared for my life. Feline retaliation was nigh. That night she threw up on my bed. Balance was once again achieved.
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.
We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.
Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy