Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.
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Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.
{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
Oh boy, $150,000!
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
This pepper has seen some shit
Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people’s lives to avoid buying gifts. You’re welcome.
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!
(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.
So, I guess it’s hereditary.
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers
I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.
the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.
Industry heads warn the cost of airfare will continue to rise, at least if passengers keep whining about things like “doors falling off” and “having their luggage.”
The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!
twitter is a journey
me the second it drops below 70 degrees
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40