@TMZ

Reckless driving, pot allegations and cop visits, Justin Bieber is a bad wig away from being the next Amanda Bynes.

You Might Also Like

@jordan_stratton

I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?

@sad_tree

*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*

@BillFienberg

If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.

But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”

@ewfeez

Bald eagles fly at such high elevations to hide their baldness from other, meaner birds. Millennia of adaptive evolution at work.

@Beardson

These people are putting up ‘Lost Parrot’ signs for the sake of their kids, but you’d think they’d place them higher for other birds to see.

@daemonic3

Which of these is a deadly virus?
A) Bola
B) Bola
C) Bola
D) Bola
E) Bola

@dafloydsta

GOOD COP: Tell us what you know

BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat

DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT

@Steelers1972

I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.

@Marlebean

A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.

And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.

@JeffMyspace

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall.
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
[Montage of Humpty picking apples, carving some pumpkins, jumping into piles of raked leaves]