I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
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Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”
That’s not in the rules!
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.
I used to blame all my problems on my parents, but now that I’m a grown up, I have come to terms with the fact that when bad things happen to me, it’s probably just that Mercury’s in retrograde again.
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.
I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…
Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.
Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support
Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.
To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.
My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.