Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping

If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.

I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.

Watching Unsolved Mysteries and getting mad when they don’t solve the mystery at the end

Obi-wan: You look different.

Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.

Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.

A girl on Facebook says it’s officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.

*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart

date: your glasses make you look smart

me: well i had to fail a test to get them so

Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.

Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.

Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.

If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men

Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no

Your honor these allegations are

A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.

My group chat full of childhood friends was blown away by the realization that one member reads the newspaper at 7am then doesn’t look at the news for the rest of the day, and the rest of us are seething with jealousy.

How do bananas greet each other?

“Yellow”

I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes

Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security

Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON

me: so what do you do?

date: I work with animals

me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun

4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.

I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.

bartender: what are you having mate

guy who speaks in amazon product titles: yea can i get 2 Beer Beverage, Beer Cans, Portable Alcohol Beverage, Party Tailgate Birthday Event | Catering | Drinking Supplies | Aluminium, Silver (2-count)

I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.

If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.

Teacher: Fill out the parent form.

Me: Why?

Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.

Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.

CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well said

FRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?

{Pixar Meet & Greet}

Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish

the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”

looks legit