Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
You Might Also Like
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”
i put “wake up” and “try to breathe” on my to-do list and long story short it’s 9:30am and guess who’s already had a productive day
“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”
If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.
My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault
[at the club]
*crawling around on the floor*
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?
when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test
[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery
I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”
If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card
I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.
Eggs are just drums you can only play once
I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
[1st date]
Her: So, were you born here?
Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
I’m an over-explainer (I explain things too much)
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”
“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”
“You heard me.”
Made my day..
I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs