Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive

If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?

(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight

Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?

March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.

God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.

Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?

God: Turn its frown upside down.

Angel: That’s not much of a diff-

God: Give it a sideways tail.

Angel: O…kay…

God: Punch a hole in its noggin.

That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign

Excuse me but would you sign my petition to ban asking people to sign petitions?

If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.

The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.

supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese

me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do

Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car

You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom

cat: *unresponsive*

bartender: get this catatonic

an octopus is just a wet spider

My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee

“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.

Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you

We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.

I was naked.

She was afraid.

I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.

Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??

Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra

Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years

Me: I was at the karaoke bar

Cop: Oh I see lol

Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?

“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”

Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea

I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.

me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both

me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet

$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.

They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.

At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still

Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.

I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*

I tried to take a picture of myself in the shower, but my camera kept fogging up.
I have selfie steam issues.

I know which nation I like the best.
HIBERNATION.
Thank yewww.

Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.