Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?
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Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
My favorite part about wearing a romper is getting completely naked in public restrooms.
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey
You laugh at me now, but when a giant wheel of feral cheddar rolls up while you’re out walking alone, that’s the time you’ll wish for a can of CheeseMace™.
Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
[2045]
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.
As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
*finishes reading a long, magical tale about the trials and tribulations of a young family coming to america and settling in the new west*
Me: *wiping a tear* oh heck this recipe is for sugar cookies not chocolate chip
Going to the dentist for a teeth cleaning. Should I put them in a fancy box or will a Ziploc baggie be ok? Also, not all of them are human teeth, some I happened upon randomly. Can I still get those cleaned? Sorry, don’t mean to be weird, I’m just excited for my first time!!
(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
Been escorted out of the building of Global IT for unplugging something so I could plug in my George Foreman grill
I thought they were just making up names, so imagine my surprise when I googled and
If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.
“So it’s sausages in a kind of fat pancake?”
“It’s called a Yorkshire Pudding”
“Ah, ok, so we’ll call it sausages in Yorkshire Pudding?”
“No, we’ll call it Toad in the Hole”
”Sorry what?”
“And we’ll call the dessert…”
“How about just steamed pudding?”
”…Spotted Dick”
“I see…”
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners
you shouldn’t have to go to work tomorrow if the mayor is getting arrested
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it