Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?
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When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?
KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!
ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.
Co-worker: I’m in the doghouse with my wife.
Me: What did you do? Stay out too late with the boys?
CW: No, I sent $60,000 in Apple gift cards to someone in Nigeria who said we owed it for the electric bill.
Me: …Oh
After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.
My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.
People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire
Genie: I grant you three wishes.
Bob: I want to be rich.
Genie: Granted.
Rich: I want a lot of money.
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
Wanting to be funny is a disease. Why am I spending 30 minutes trying to think of a clever wifi name for my neighbors to see?
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
[driving home from a party]
MRS. ELEPHANT: you’re still upset aren’t you
MR. ELEPHANT: i can’t believe they just ignored us like that
MRS. ELEPHANT: they aren’t worth it, just forget it
MR. ELEPHANT: *slams steering wheel* you know I can’t do that linda
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
No my Darling, I won’t be skipping to the loo. I have a situation and I shall be walking, ever so slowly, ever so carefully, to the loo. Like I’m transporting nitroglycerin in a Conestoga over the Sierra Nevada.
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.