Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself

I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”

The 6 types of sex

I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.

waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain

Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.

“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance

’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.

My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket

Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.

8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur

14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid

Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂

if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires

[cockroach crawls by]

Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?

*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*

Me: Not that one.

A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.

He: did you burn dinner again?

Me: it’s a Flambé.

He: it’s mac and cheese

Me: it’s French mac and cheese!!

do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge

it took me a moment to realize the NYPD commissioner who was just raided by the feds is the NYPD commissioner who succeeded the NYPD commissioner who was raided by the feds a few weeks ago and then resigned

I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?

My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.

Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.

Me: Coke please

Waiter: Is heroin okay?

It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR

[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.

Me: I’d like a raspberry margarita.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE DRINK

“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”

[GOING BACK IN TIME]

Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!

Everybody: The what now?

“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”

Shamcrap?!

“Awful”

Shampoop?!

“Get out!”

Shampoo?

“Genius!”

Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall