Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing

I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.

me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me

her: you’re just being dramatic

me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably

I’m meeting up with new friends today and we’re going on a picnic but they don’t want me to bring anything. My mom says you should never show empty handed tho so I’m thinking I’m gonna take a living chicken. Can you imagine? I’d be king of the village in some parts of the world.

My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.

sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet

Touch it gently, put 2 fingers
inside, if it’s wide use 3
fingers,make sure it’s wet and
rub up and down. Yep that’s how
you wash a cup.

Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.

If it me or does the name Mark Ruffalo sound like something a dog would say if it starting talking?

Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.

I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers

The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings

I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.

cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck

sweet dreams💖

Forget tequila, I’m at the age where you can wake up with a hangover from Netflix

i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy

I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this

my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad

Staying in an AirBNB: “The key is buried in the yard, use the pink metal detector to find it. Kitchen has 3 utensils you’ve never seen before and 7 bottles of spices no one likes. The rabid wolverine in the crawl space is friendly. Please re-tile the shower when you check out.”

What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.

I am criminally attractive*

*attractive to criminals

Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad

Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven

I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.

The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.

Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer

A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus

A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it’s not my blood

[I appear in 1985]

SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?

ME: Uh…hmm…uh…

SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?

ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird

[during sex]

me: imma turn the ceiling fan on

giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo

he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control