Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
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Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use
You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in
Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet
“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical
The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.
My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
Besides an apple, Adam and Eve took a bite of a pear, peach and banana. They were the four bitten fruits
announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!
audience member: you mean eligible?
announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]
Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
restaurant
Waiter: Your coffeeMe: Could I have a little spoon please?
Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*Me: lovely
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer