Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.

I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.

Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.

She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating site

But soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.

If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.

If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.

*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!

Sexting:

Him: What do you like in the bedroom?

Me: Sleeping.

Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?

Me: Close the door on your way out.

Him: No, I meant…

Me: Also lock the door.

Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”

a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready

All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.

I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.

You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.

So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.

DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?

I’m in an aspiring artist Facebook group, and everyone shares paintings they’ve done of their kids but not usually the reference photos. Which is great, but I can’t tell if the kid’s just ugly or if the painter needs more practice.

I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive

How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.

Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend

For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-

Order a “quickie”

then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”

Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.

7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.

7:15AM – Dammit.

“My desires are… unconventional.”

“Show me.”

*opens door to a room full of memes*

My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.

I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.

Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls

My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.

Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw

I fold.

Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.

Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.

Friend: It was yesterday.

He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!