Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona

[Turing Test]
Tester: Let’s start with an easy one, the square root of 29241?
Subject: 171!
Tester:
Subject: I meant, idk math is hard. lol

I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings

[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot

Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to

Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.

In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.

After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.

watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them

When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”

Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.

[inventing jogging]

how can i suffer but with music

I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.

Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?

Yea. Me nether.

my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015

A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.

I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.

*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*

Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.

I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.

2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.

Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!

Dear People who like me,

I appreciate every single two of you.

Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.

THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.

LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!

oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode

The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.

[Ferrari dealership]

ME: How much for this red one?

SALESMAN: Oh, that’ll cost you a pretty penny

ME: *holding out penny wearing a small wig and lipstick*

SALESMAN: VA-VA-VA-VOOM!

“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair

Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy

That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision

-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance

My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.