Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*goes to the gym*

*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*

*hurries to the bar*

Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*

Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?

My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful

it’s important to know at least one guy who you find really annoying but who is also very similar to you. it keeps you humble and aware

most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.

The rest of the world should fear our military.

We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.

[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating

Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.

When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?

I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.

Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.

can someone please help me, i’m still at the fyre festival

I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you

every video on here is a staged fight called something like “Was the Nurse Right to Yell at the Patient🤔” with 1.3M comments that say “imho if I were the nurse i would yell at the patient”

[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?

I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.

My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.

Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!

79.

My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?

I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.

Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”

My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.

Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient

All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.

Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.

I know this now.

Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time

I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.

I just ate the last piece of cheese in the fridge and it’s cloudy outside.

🎶 Ain’t no sunshine when cheese gone.

I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle

I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.