Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.

We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.

I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?

[Commercial for X-Games]

Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?

what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look

date: do you like a little danger?

me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me

My granddaughter is spending the night. Before she fell asleep she kept saying, “I miss my mom. I want my mom.” I said, “We’ll see her tomorrow. Besides, I’m your mom’s mom.” She said, “Well, I’d like to see your daughter.” 😂😂😂

netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”

Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*

Friend: How long till school starts?

Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.

a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”

A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.

Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.

But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”

[Attorney’s office]

*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*

Guess I just made an ash out of myself.

Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?

To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news

I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles

“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car

When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”

Law Enforcement: We’re cracking down on distracted driving.

Car companies: Here’s a 9-inch TV in your dashboard.

[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please

When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”

Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.

Idiots

being too stressed isn’t good for the baby.

i’m not pregnant though, its just that i’m the baby

Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today

The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause

Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime

Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry

*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*

My Wife… The Bargain Hunter

White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]

The dog I’m sitting got ahold of a plastic knife and was threatening to eat it, I had to offer her my whole breakfast in exchange for her dropping it, and then I realized I had just literally been held up at knifepoint by a dog over some scrambled eggs