Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ron Swanson with nurse:

Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?

“I have an uncle who does yoga”

[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R

I got rejected on my very first blind date and I don’t understand why.

My date asked me if I had any pets and I said that I had a goldfish. Any hobbies? I said yes, he likes swimming.

Me: how was school?

My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.

Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.

I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day

Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.

My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.

If only

[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues

As if parenting in 2020 isn’t bad enough, schools be like:

“iPads must be fully charged”
“Read all daily emails”
“A ‘healthy’ breakfast is essential”
“Wear pants”
“Ma’am, your language is inappropriate”
“PUT ON A BRA!”
“Have you been drinking?”

Geez. Give us a break already.

Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah!

[Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on

DOCTOR: I have bad news

MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo

The instructions say to place the burrito on one microwave safe plate and to put another microwave safe plate on top of it before heating. Were these instructions written by big dishwasher?

I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.

– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.

Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.

I’m glad Mr Peanut is dead. For years he flaunted his lavish lifestyle while billions of peanuts lived in dirt only to be ground into (admittedly tasty) peanut butter

If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away

Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom

i have good and bad news

Wife: Ok, the bad news?

i didn’t clean out the garage

Wife:*sigh* the good news?

[holds up cat dressed as Thor]

My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit

girl: tough guys are hot

Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*

I have a gauntlet I just never use it

*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*

I love this

I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.

I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.

Ah..makes sense now

all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭

Him: You look angry.

Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?

she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street