Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
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The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
[Space]
No-one: I can hear screaming
I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”
The Office: Coronavirus
Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this
Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity
Angela wears a hazmat suit
Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine
*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
Reporter: *ports again*
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot
Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..
What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope
“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]
GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry
ME: It’s fine, go on
GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later
WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO
Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”
What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here