Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
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I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
Sorry, “hella” was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I’ll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.
Somewhere, there is an employee specifically designing the bags of very small screws and hardware that fling their contents across the room when you try to open them. I will one day find something with your scent, and release the hounds upon you.
Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
23. the denim jacket
Them: you know what’s good for depression? Fish and nuts
Me: *slaps them around the face with a tuna and kicks them in the nuts
…you’re right, I do feel better now.
That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.
lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
lawyer: WHAT?
me: the hearing.
lawyer: WHAT?
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.
my friends: we are having babies, also we just got engaged, also we’ve just bought a house
me: a man with a history of not texting me back has liked an Instagram story, do we think this means something
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza
I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
IT’S-A ME,
