Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
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I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.
me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 🙂
All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’
Same, kid. Same.
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
do married people watch gen z dating and feel like they caught the last chopper out of Nam
Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.
“Why’s that?”
Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.
I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
“No way.” -Jose
My 9 year old asked for a fog machine so no one can see her messy floor and now I’m pretty sure I’m raising a damned genius.
Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
Son: “I hurt my foot”
Dad who’s obsessed with the metric system: “What did you just say!?”
Son (sigh): “OK sorry. I hurt my 30 centimeters”
Dad: “That’s better. But if I catch you using imperial measurements again, I’m gonna beat you to within 2.54 centimeters of your life!”