Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism

mechanics be like

if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”

[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No

I like chaos.

-turns on news-

Not like that

Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?

Her: That’s not important.

I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!

My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.

me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!

my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ

me: who

What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?

You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”

Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.

dog: the humans have food all the way up on the counter, that’s illegal

*calls in the SWAT team*

cat, wearing sunglasses and tactical gear: I’ll take it from here boys

I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.

When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.

I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.

Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet

Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.

Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.

2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth

popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things

Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.

I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.

Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns

*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”

“Last call for flight 254”

[Runs to gate]

“You barely made it”

[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan

me: oh my god!!! i just had the most amazing nap.

doctor: you were just under general anesthesia.

me: when can i go again?

We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.

Boss thumbs up’d my despair like a stone cold gangster 💀