Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

you’ll be having a good day and then someone your age says they’re buying a house

my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?

me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town

Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.

Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air

My dog gives me attitude when getting his paws wiped off after being outside. It must be just awful to get rewarded with foot massages just for using the bathroom.

Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.

Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.

An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”

Guys, I think I just saw future me.

The place where I wanted to apply for a job was closed, so I wrapped my resume around a brick and threw it through their front window

I wish my hair had as much volume as my mouth.

I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet

911: what’s your emergency

me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.

911: what’s his location?

me: he’s 3 doors down

*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity

So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?

It’s not like I knew my fly was open!

Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”

Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.

Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”

Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.

My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.

A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.

Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.

When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.

*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*

Some of y’all tomorrow …

Me: “Hey kids, I’m gonna go downstairs and watch the #football game anyone want to come watch with me?”

5-year-old: “You gonna have chips?”

Me: “Does that affect your decision on if you’ll spend time with me?”

5-year-old: “……yeah!”

Me: “Then yes I’ll have chips.”

😒🤦‍♂️😒🤦‍♂️

Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.

*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*

*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*

I always tell my pets I love them more than the Atlantic so they can better understand the immensity.

You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks

God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’

I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I back into a parking spot at the grocery store when she’s in the passenger seat with cars waiting on her side.

“I do law stuff” – attorney general

“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific

I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.

Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.

People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.