*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.![]()
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She’s got style
She’s got grace
She dropped her cellphone on her face
She’s a lady
“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me
I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about
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Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
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I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!
Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?
I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!
I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
Everyone is awful in their own special way.
THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height