Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Stuff the woman sitting in front of me has googled in class today:
Henry Cavill
Clam chowder
New England clam chowder
Where is New England
Old England
Henry Cavill

And, no, it’s not a chowder class.

My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.

My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.

Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.

Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.

Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.

I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts

son: can I ask you a random question?

me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?

Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords

Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.

I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.

Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill

Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.

me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
me: what?
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
wife: ffs

Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector

This tweet is brought to you by Tesco

[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late

woman protagonist, written by a man: i looked in the mirror. i wasn’t beautiful. but i was fine with that. my hair is brown, and i am 35. but i wont let that kill me

Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.

spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe

My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met

When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”

my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”

WIFE: i’m leaving you

ME: is it because I name inanimate objects?

WIFE: no, it’s because you won’t stop wearing that eyepiece

ME: [looking perplexed] why do you hate Monoclewinsky?

trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies

Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!

*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*

I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae

Just yelled “LET’S DO THIS” when getting into my car, so my neighbors think I am doing something way cooler than my weekly Target run.

Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose

People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.

I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?