[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
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[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]
Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast
the antelopes: wait, the what now?
I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
ghost me: baaaaaa
guy: are you saying baa instead of boo
ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out
Me: do you think I’ll get my harmonica back after the trial?
My Lawyer: I told you ten times not to bring it.
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
It’s strange that watching paint dry is considered boring but going to an art gallery is considered interesting. That’s just watching paint that’s already dry.
They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.
My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.
Oh, you don’t have a Valentine for Valentine’s Day? I didn’t have a groundhog for Groundhog Day.
Did you even think about that??
She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
FBI PROFILER, LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF MY HOUSE: White male, mid-30s, doesn’t have a lot of friends or close associations, probably read a lot about serial killers as a kid, eats a lot of bullshit food, no real skills
ME: I’m right here
FBI PROFILER: Talks like an idiot
What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Dental office: Your husband had two teeth pulled this morning, so he’s going to need a ride home.
Me: Ok, how’s next week for you?
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
I was singing along with a song in the car, and my daughter asked me how I knew all the words. Remembering that it was from playing Guitar Hero, I looked her in the eyes and said, “I used to be in the band.”
Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.
Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.
Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.
I now have to live with this missed opportunity.
[first day in the Coast Guard]
Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!
Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard
I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides