Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.
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“the only thing standing between you and your dreams is you” yeah have you met me that’s gonna be a problem
i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.
If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em
My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.
if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.
Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.
Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?
Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?
The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
These are dark times.
~me, everyday at 4pm
11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.
Me: Why?
11: To practice making sounds.
Me: You mean notes?
11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.
Lucky us.
no refunds
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.
the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them