S: Do you have a plan for the ‘Zombie Apocalypse’?
M: Sure do.
S: What is it?
M: To run faster than you & your sister.
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
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*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
My personal trainer told me to stop eating pizzas but if I’m craving it I should just eat one slice. So now I ask them not to cut the pizza.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir
My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
Sometimes I just like to sit on the couch and do nothing for 3 years.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe