recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is

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Son: Dad?
Me: Yeah?
S: Do you have a plan for the ‘Zombie Apocalypse’?
M: Sure do.
S: What is it?
M: To run faster than you & your sister.


*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*

“What did you wish for?”

“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”


Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?

Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.


My personal trainer told me to stop eating pizzas but if I’m craving it I should just eat one slice. So now I ask them not to cut the pizza.


The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.


I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.

– a Memoir


My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!


doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test

me: did i pass? haha

doctor: no but you will very soon


Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe