recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
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Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then
son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?
dad: sure, I’ll join you.
son: should we watch them back to back?
dad: no side by side probably works better.
*wife shakes me awake in the middle of the night*
me: w-what happened
wife: you were talking in your sleep. kept muttering goth this and goth that
me: like what, specifically
wife: like death is goth life and blackberries are goth raspberries
me:[taking notes] oh these are good
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.
Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??
What about that really cool hashtag we made?
They didn’t free them when they saw it??
Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
My company does this icebreaker thing where every week a different person sends an email to the whole company talking about their average day, and today’s coworker started his “I wake up each day furious to be laboring under capitalism” and it has caused quite a stir.
HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child
Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
barbara was highly relatable
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history