Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.

But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.

“What’s wrong with you?”

Me: the same things that are always wrong with me…were you expecting something new?

Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.

If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.

ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done

Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy

Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.

when I was a teenager learning to drive, I was very concerned about what would happen if I had to sneeze while driving. someone would tell me what to do, and I would be like, “ok. and if I sneeze?”

Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.

ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?

KIDS: YES!

ME: then go outside

“I bought a new car!”

Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?

“Only $3,200”

Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit

“Damn….not again”

I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.

Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…

… the end.

Amazon Tracking:

1. We’re not sure it exists.

2. Your package has arrived.

Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.

Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos

How do you fix a broken condom?

Rubber cement.

In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.

OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON

Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”

Me: “It’s a secret.”

Job interviewer: “You got the job.”

Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.

Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?

Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there

sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting

professor x: what’s your power?

me: i can cry

professor x: on command?

me: no just when i’m sad or whatever

professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?

me: nope

professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?

Jupiter

lots of war chat today so it is time to remind everyone that you did not in fact fight in world war 2, that was a film you saw

i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”

Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!

Bird 2: It’s incredible!!

Bird: imma stand in the road

Bird 2: Me too

ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB

I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.

And that’s how you win at parenting.