Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??

I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.

Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.

I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.

Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence

Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.

Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.

Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.

My mom always said carry a jar of pickles in the store when pregnant and throw it on the ground as a decoy if your water should break, but now that I’m old I carry one in case I pee my pants.

John Wick: contract killer

John Wink: lady killer 😉

Looks like the mayor is getting serious.

I’m not lazy… I just don’t have the desire to come up with a more accurate way to describe myself right now

They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”

ME: Happy New Year, Dad. We love you.
DAD: That’s great. Hey, put the dog back on the phone. I got another joke for him.

[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.

[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.

I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.

Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause

“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”

True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.

Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!

What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…

I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car

*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn

Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?

Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”

Someone just called country music ‘farm emo’ and I’m dying

I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.

[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet

sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are

see you in hell you stupid fruit

Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.