Recycling bottles.
Pre Covid: These aren’t all mine, I had a party, honest
Covid: I didn’t have a party, I swear, I’m just an alcoholic
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My Plans 2020
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
Me: I’ll have a small drink.
Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.
Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!
Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.
Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]
***6 months later***
Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?
Me: … [whispers] meow.
I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.
Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
When I share any information about my twenties with my kids, I preface it with “back when the dinosaurs were all still puppies,” and they just accept this.
My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
I love watching people parallel park. It’s like a sporting event for me. There’s betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don’t be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
Friend: How are you doing?
Me *reading a book about the identification & use of medicinal plants, so that I have a viable apocalypse skill to barter on the offchance of a complete societal breakdown* Fine.
Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship
People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
Stop sending me this shit.
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.