Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled

mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree

me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on

Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.

Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.

My kids: *arguing* MOM WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE KID

Me: Connor

Kids: The boy next door?

Me: Yep

Kids: We meant out of us

Me: Still Connor

This kid is going places

Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.

My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.

We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.

Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.

If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.

if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too

“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.

My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.

Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”

Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.

*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy

Her: I love it when we finish each other’s

Him: pancakes

You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?

A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”

NOW HIRING: An employee

JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for

I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…

waiting for me in the fridge at home.

Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?

Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual

WebMD: *Blocked

Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!

gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes

I can’t deal with men any longer

Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.

Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅