Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
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thought i was a minimalist, but it turns out i’m just broke
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
Streamers say ‘mods’ the same way a medieval lord would say ‘guards’
Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy
When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
[Christmas]
Coworker: Nice ugly sweater!
Me, wearing sweater I knit myself: Thanks. *cries*
I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
The Twelve Days According to Mom
12 stacks of laundry
11 dirty diapers
10 toddler tantrums
9 teenage eye rolls
8 unwashed bottles
7 errands to run
6 kids fighting
5 min sex life
4 mins to shower
3 broken nails
2 giant eye bags
1 tired mom
When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange
Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?
I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
*curtain opens*
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.
My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
[1st date]
-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.
“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one
5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.