Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
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I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.
Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?
Me: It’s at 7.
H: Oh, I was close.
Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.
All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.
I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching tv.
Me: Happy Easter!
Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!
Me: The Jesus thing?
Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!
Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?
#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.
i don’t want fries. i want YOUR fries.
[two years ago]
me: planet with the rings?
google: S͟a͟t͟u͟r͟n – Wikipedia
[now]
me: does italy exist
google: nope.
Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭
Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.
There’s a scientist with the same name as me, so whenever I Google myself, the results are like:
“Our Top Ten Dad Jokes!”
“Neat Sci-Fi Story!”
“High CO2 and the geochemistry of the coralline algae Lithothamnion glaciale”
“Fire Dept Saves Man With Head Stuck In Chicken Bucket”