Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
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Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?
Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.
Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
It’s 97 degrees outside and my kids want to sit in the hot tub. The devil needs to come pick up his children
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.
Thanks to modern recycling technology you can now throw away the same Pottery Barn catalog 2000 times.
Me: I’d like a raspberry margarita.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE DRINK
[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you
Valentine’s Day tip for the men:
If you made dinner reservations call the restaurant and tell the host there’s an extra $20 for the bartenders if they card your wife.
You’re welcome
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea
“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.
COP: License and registration.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: License, please.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: I’m not gonna ask again.
BATMAN: I’m Bat-
COP: Alright, hands on the car.
BATMAN: Batmobile.
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time
ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”
What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard
Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.
Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.
[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me