Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
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For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
7yo: I have a headache. Can you sit with me til I fall asleep?
Me: Sure, bud.
7yo: So when I die, will I come back?
Me: Now I see why you have a headache.
The way my phone’s facial recognition pretends not to recognize me, you’d think I dated it.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED
I went for a Pap Test today and the nurse said “I like your hair colour, is it natural?” and I replied “well, you’re about to find out.” [Seinfeld slap bass end scene] x
That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
A Tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches.
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?
Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.
Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?
💀💀
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
Before you react, just know that everyone’s is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Literally everyone.
Dave’s out back punching a hornet’s nest. Monica’s wrestling her grandma in the bathroom.
Nobody knows why. It’s absolute chaos.
Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.
Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child