In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”
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A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
Me: *rips pants bending over*
Toddler: Daddy! You’re so strong! You ripped your clothes like Hulk!
Me: Uh. Yep. That’s me. Same thing. Just like the Hulk. Indistinguishable.
Toddler: *proudly tells everyone I’m like the Hulk because I rip my pants all the time*
Me: *dies*
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.
Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap
Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.
If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?
Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?
Friend: No.
Me: Then, no.
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.
[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]
“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney
Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.
90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.