Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes

[looking at pregnancy test]

Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird

Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird

Me: I brought you some bird seed.

Rad Pigeon: Coo’

Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes

[end of a job interview]

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?

Him:

Me:

Him: Which half?

I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.

Jack is coming over.

“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]

glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.

I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff

*Mom makes me take out the garbage*

*Garbage and I begin to date*

*I start taking things too fast*

*Garbage dumps me*

When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies

Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy

we’re gonna need another temp

[before animals were invented]

plants: this is nice

So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk

Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,

Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”

Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.

[Texting]
FRIEND: Hey, sorry I didn’t respond yesterday, just saw your text!

ME: *Does not know a single person who is ever more than 6 feet from their phone* Haha, no worries, it happens!

Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.

Cashier: Want carry-out help?

Me: Please

*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries

“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”

My kid: “I love presents.”

WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”

ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”

*brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting*
*meeting starts*
*I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers*
*touches all the paper work*

nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early

astronaut: moon’s haunted

nasa employee: what?

astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted

What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?

Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.

I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.

11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?

Me: Just brush your teeth.

If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢

“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie

Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy

Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.