[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
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A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
Dogs “play sneeze” to show they’re playing and not being aggressive.
What better way to break the ice with your next eHarmony date?
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
“Ham with pineapple is delicious, so why not on pizza?” The executioner throws the torch on the pyre, without strangling me first.
Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*
Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes
🍞🦆
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag
You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinkingPATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.
I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.
5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.
I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.