[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”
Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”
[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]
You Might Also Like
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.
I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”
It’s 11:15 pm.
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
My new husband and me are already winning thru compromise. I accept he’ll never pick up all his socks and he allows the occasional hit and run homicide. Patience & 💛.
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.
GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water
I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?
Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?
Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?
The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone
The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party
A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
vegan witches, happy halloween!
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
Gonna put this on a dog and blow some minds
*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”
Our favorite part of fall is walking through spider webs and screaming every time. What’s yours?
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
Proctology is located in A55
