Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*

The beauty industry:

For men: This can be used as a shampoo, body wash, face wash, lotion, mouth wash, tooth paste, engine degreaser, spackle, or sunscreen

For women: We’ve specially formulated this moisturizer for your left elbow

The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.

I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid

I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.

*From me

In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.

There’s a couple that met at my wedding 2 years ago, I just found out they got married yesterday & I wasn’t invited…. Ungrateful people

Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?

Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.

Me: No.

DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen

Dr. Pepper just unseated Pepsi as the second most popular soda in America.

Don’t tell me that getting your PhD isn’t worth it.

Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.

[at interview]

INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?

ME: Peter Piper.

INTERVIEWER: What does he do?

ME: It’s difficult to say.

*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend

So there I was standing in an art gallery quietly appreciating the work when my ex noticed me at a display and decided to approach.

She said “I suppose you like this hideous monstrosity?”

And I said, “That’s a mirror”.

Which was nice.

Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.

Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!

If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him

the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks

I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.

If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.

The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.

I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.

But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡

Date: I love car chase action scenes

Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here

And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.

[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”

I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”

I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.

My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.