Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight

I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.

Him: Let’s go out tonight.

Me: It’s a work night and very late.

Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.

Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?

with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number

I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤

~Conversations I have with my couch

If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks

M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.

Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.

Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?

Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…

One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.

My suitcase was 1 pound overweight at bag check so i smiled sweetly at the ticket agent to get away with it… Yall that man said “idk what you doing that for… i got all my teeth too” 😂😂😂

14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?

Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?

14:

Me:

14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.

Relationship Status:

My dog was just licking my ear.

I didn’t stop her.

4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or

With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”

if I can survive this, I can survive anything

First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!

One time, a guy flirtatiously asked me what my deepest darkest secret was, and I told him I was working on a shot by shot remake of the first Star Wars film reenacted by my cats called, “A Mew Hope”.

Anyway he didn’t call.

It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.

Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”

Me: “Nachos.”

“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”

“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”

My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?

Please follow the instructions

1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass

5) Only do number one

“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.

Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!

Love Mom XO

Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race

Jesus: LOL

Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!

Its like grandma said,

You’re not crazy when you sleep

Cop: Know how fast you were going?

Me: obviously, I have a speedometer

Cop: I know that

Me: then why did you ask?

Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk

You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.

-me giving holiday hosting advice

When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.

Person: how does writing work?

Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise

Person: then you’re done with the book?

Writer: then you move to the next sentence