Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

-gets $127 phone bill

1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance

2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month

I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own

If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.

I’ve been reading a book about Orville and Wilbur Wright but, frankly, I’m not that impressed. The author is speculating as to why the brothers never got married. Of course they never got married, they were brothers? Idiot

Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
..
..
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem

The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.

Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.

[Sound of sellotape ripping]

Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.

Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.

I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…

Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.

I’m the neighbor

Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.

*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.

Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.

Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.

One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.

Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”

Tired of actually helping? Try prayer

Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..

Must be a communist plot.

If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.

I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.

Doctor: Step on the scale.

Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?

Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?

Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?

I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.

Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?

My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.

At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?

Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?

Parenting is easy.

Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday

*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]