Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*

*you’re cured*

Please. My avocado. It is so sad.

[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]

Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”

America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.

perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself

sigh

[speed dating]

Him: have you ever been married?

Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom

Him: lol aww you were 5?

Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30

My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.

My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.

* feels winds of change

* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts

Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult

Hawk o the mornin tuah

me: I’m doing marathon training

friend: that can really help you in the long run

me: I know what it’s for

I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down

Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*

Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?

Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie

OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners

I live with my husband, and my 14 y.o. son. I have learned that if I want to hide anything in our house all I need to do is put it behind something else and they’ll never find it.

[Pulled over by cops]

Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!

Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT

don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to

Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.

the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep

My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.

[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.

Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.

Me: I love you..Marry Me!

Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.

When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too

[boxing gym]

*points at everything*

I’d hit that.

“I like to get off on the right foot.”

“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”

Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.

If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.