Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”

[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!

Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.

I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.

Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.

My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?

Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.

Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?

My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…

me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking

friend: did it work?

me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken

To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.

Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.

my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house

You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.

My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead

A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.

I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.

INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me

everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week

Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.

My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁

7am – So tired I could weep.
12pm – I would LITERALLY kill for a nap.
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
11pm – Hey! Why am I not feeling tired now?
12am – WIDE AWAKE
1am – Reading ‘62 facts you never knew about Harry Potter’ on the internet.

[texting]

you mean the wolf to me

-wolf?

ha! autocorrect fail!

-lol

what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me

Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.

Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.

*wipes off Chapstick

Weigh me now

Me: Know any potato jokes?

My husband: What has eyes but cannot see?

My six year old: What has eyes but cannot see? A blind person. That’s so obvious.

Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.

Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.

Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣