Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.

Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.

ME: stay away from the cat

MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n t

ME: ur gonna get scratched again

MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.

If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works

I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.

If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.

wife: what’s the house of your dreams?

me: fireplace in each room. and there’s a bear walking around and it only speaks spanish. also the floor is quicksand.

wife:

me:

wife:

me: oh you mean like a house i wish we lived in.

Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.

Me: (to my kid after I see her empty plate at the dinner table) I guess you need to learn how take your plate up

My Kid: I’ve already learned that skill.

Me:

My Kid: I don’t need any further practice on it.

Me: 😑

Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair

Friend: My car is making a weird noise

Me: Have you tried essential oils?

I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.

Me: “Hey kids, I’m gonna go downstairs and watch the #football game anyone want to come watch with me?”

5-year-old: “You gonna have chips?”

Me: “Does that affect your decision on if you’ll spend time with me?”

5-year-old: “……yeah!”

Me: “Then yes I’ll have chips.”

😒🤦‍♂️😒🤦‍♂️

My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.

[camping]

“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”

-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.

If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.

Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro

I threw a ball for my dog.

May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.

Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.

Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.

Sam: No one else is here.

Sam: You’re here.

Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!

Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!

him: what did you do all day?

*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*

Me: it’s a purrrramid!

A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”

I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”

5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!

Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.

i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”

I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.

BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.

The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.

I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.

CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well said

FRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?