“Red Hot Riding Hood” (1943)
A sequence so famous (or infamous, if you’re the censors) that it’s been replicated, homaged or outright ripped off in countless pieces of animation. The reaction shots of the Wolf are still as funny as they were 80 years ago.
A decision was made here.
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends
Is Dutch some sort of clown language
*whistling*
Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
wait a minute….
Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.
I call this the Heineken maneuver.
Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”
Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”Superman: Seriously?
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
My new work colleague went to Argentina on holiday in September. I knew instantly he and I were not going to be friends when I said to him “at that time of year, it can be bordering on Chile” and he proceeded to tell me he was okay as he’d taken a jacket.
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
Harry Potter Diss Track
Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
A NEW year? In this economy??? I’m settling for a certified pre-owned.
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?
ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it
When I was a kid, I had this game called ‘Worm Church,’ where I’d bring Worms to my room and read them the Bible.
