“Red Hot Riding Hood” (1943)
A sequence so famous (or infamous, if you’re the censors) that it’s been replicated, homaged or outright ripped off in countless pieces of animation. The reaction shots of the Wolf are still as funny as they were 80 years ago.
airing out the snack pack
Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.
Pro tip for my good boys out there
son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad
My daughter had a before school donut party for track and an after school ice cream party for orchestra so I asked her if she had anything else coming up?
My 10 y/o as he walks by… “Diabetes probably.”
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
the only career advice i have is make every decision that moves you closer to not having to be on linkedin
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE![Later]
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra
When I was a kid I used to sneak into the racetrack. I was making a bet at the window and the lady said, “You’re not eighteen.” I said, “It’s for my dad,” and pointed out some old drunk. He waved. She said, “He looks wasted.” I said, “He is. Don’t make fun of my dad.”
If you just start drinking the Dove body wash, people let you skip in line.
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.
