“Red Hot Riding Hood” (1943)
A sequence so famous (or infamous, if you’re the censors) that it’s been replicated, homaged or outright ripped off in countless pieces of animation. The reaction shots of the Wolf are still as funny as they were 80 years ago.
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If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
[after eating a weird candy on the willy wonka tour]
me: ok…I think I’m ok. none of my body parts seem to be effected, and they’d be singing if—oompa loompa: 🎶oompa loompa doompety deenis🎶
me: aaaah… darn. darn it.
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
I don’t see why walking is healthy. Zombies walk constantly and they look awful.
me: it’s okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it’s hypothetical
5: what’s hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…
[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.
Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are
[3am – a knock on the door]
me: jfc do u know what time it is?
salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time
me: *considers intensely* come in
*1st date*
[Be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
So where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music
I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
Did I break my fitbit record? yes
Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station