Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
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Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
These are my emotional support Pringles.
handing out tuna steaks for trick or treat
JK it’s spam
Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted
[grocery store]
me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
[kill bill sirens]
Therapist: How are you feeling?
Me: Rage
Therapist: What is bringing you rage?
Me: My kids, my husband, the sound the refrigerator makes, the endless laundry, zoom calls and the debilitating fear of contracting Covid-19. Oh and I miss Starbucks and the outside world.
I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?
Me: Mariah Carey.
Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
Choose your fighter
GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning