Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
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stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.
Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?
me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 🙂
4yo: Do you want to play pretend?
Me: I already am.
4yo: What pretend?
Me: Shh, you’re not here.
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
13: so dad, I was thinking.
Me: about what, son?
13: I’m taller than you…
Me: yeah, and?
13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*
Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn’t want someone to hack in and…pay my insurance bill
I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on
they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard
5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.
Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.
In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam
narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?
God: peanuts
Elephant: what?
God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*
Elephant:
God: all of them