Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.

Brought flowers home to wife.

Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”

Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”

I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone

Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry

Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.

Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”

Card reader: this is not looking good

Me: mf’er, reshuffle it

[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS

😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂

Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold

We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!

Pedant: Actually…

[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]

Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”

[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]

And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!

Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”

my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat

You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.

Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?

Me: *holding milkshakes* what

dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!

Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday

Dad: internet people aren’t real friends

Me: *to dm room* he says thanks

I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”

Kale: i strengthen the immune system

Avocado: i’m a healthy fat

Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein

Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes

Me: six twinkies please

Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*

my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats

Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”

My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba

I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.

Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.

Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.

[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.

GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.

ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.

H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?

M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.

I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store

You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.