Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.

Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”

do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success

Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?

Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*

Yes, yes I do

Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”

ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?

GUY: fruit flies I think

ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug

The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.

A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”

It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.

It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”

I tried to walk like an Egyptian and now I need to see a Cairo practor.

So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer

Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree

I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.

Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.

Jokes on all you idiots hoarding toilet paper, I’ve been hoarding fast food napkins FOREVER so I am SET.

wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle

me: *putting down the ketchup* ok

Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.

ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane

HUSBAND: Why are you late?

ME: I was at church.

HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?

Coffee either makes me anxious or makes me sleepy. When it makes me sleepy I call it a nappuccino 💤

Lied on my resume and said I could code. Boss asked me to take on a project. I paid a guy in Karachi $80 to do it overnight, then told my boss it would take a month.
We’ve done this four times now.

I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.

I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.

it was love at first sight

My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭

11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything

Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐

Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.

But then refused to use them.