Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby

No, I haven’t seen any dogs

When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower

Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work

I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well

A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave

Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.

can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?

Roses are red

Pizza sauce is too

I ordered a large

And none of its for you

If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.

Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.

At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.

Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.

Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”

I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.

My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.

you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant

While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!

My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*

People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.

Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad

My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.

This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.

Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work

The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.

If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?

One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.

‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’

–Me, every 45 minutes

5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.

I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!