Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this

“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article

79.

[Wedding Day]

FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!

ME: it’s always today, janet

80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.

Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.

Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.

Them: Can you recommend a show for me?

Me: Captain Caveman?

Them: Maybe something more for adults?

Me:

Them: Sorry.

There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.

there are 8 billion people in the world and i only have 3 friends and one is annoying.

Me: [smiling]

Phone: face not recognized

Me: [stuffing my mouth with tacos]

Phone: oh there you are

Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.

Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.

My cousin and her husband fell in love despite playing for rival marching bands, and yet she refuses to write a romance novel based on the experience

*waters flowers*
*flowers die*

*sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*

*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*

Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!

Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.

Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits

As per my previous tablet…

Nobody:

8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”

Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.

I thought: “the streets are strangely desserted tonight”.

anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me

me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP

also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((

That de-escalated quickly

Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”

me 10m after sprinkling lavender essential oil on my pillow: I am one with all beings

me 10m after getting in my car: learn how to use the left lane you piece of human shit

Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.

Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?

*at the confessional

Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’

Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’

Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.

Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.

The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.