Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?

Her: awww. Like the day we met?

Him: No, before that.

Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.

tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.

Me: But I was singing Britney Spears

Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”

Me: That’s a lyric

Bouncer: You were in the bathroom

Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?

No sir, it will be round.

#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”

The worst part about getting sucked up by the tornado you’re filming is to die knowing your wife was right. You are an idiot.

Fun Fact:

Cat burglars have the highest recidivism of any criminal. As soon as they get out of prison, they want back in. And back out, and back in, and back out…

it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo

Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.

Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.

I don’t consider myself a controlling person.

Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?

me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]

other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF

They say every piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life expectancy. So according to my math, I should have died somewhere around the spring of 1483.

Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!

There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.

I still have a landline…

or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder

A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.

House Hunters:
“Well I gotta be near the beach. A heliport would be a plus. I need 9 bedrooms, an IMAX theater & a moat. My budget is $314.”

someone just emailed me to very condescendingly inform me a portion of the email I sent her made no sense. reader, the sheer joy I felt at being able to reply that the message was forwarded to her as she originally submitted it and I too am looking for clarity on what she meant

Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”

I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.

She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.

The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.

The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos

*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist

What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?

This meme is a joke but also life-changing advice if taken to heart

Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.

If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.