Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*licks finger, holds it up in the air*

ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.

I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.

therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear

me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet

“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”

Him: You smell nice. What is that?

Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops

My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.

God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”

Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”

it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that

The check engine light came on inside my oven.

me: i’d love* to go to your neighborhood block** party, Carol, sign me up***

*hate
**gossip
***i’d rather eat worms

Cop: You been drinking?

Me: No.

Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.

Me: Alphabet the.

Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.

Me: Each letter.

[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen

Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.

Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick

This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.

At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.

Maybe I’m the problem..

Nvm that don’t even sound right

[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childish

her: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday

*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING

Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.

As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.

[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET

I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.

the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments

People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.

okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?

Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced

My grandpa would be 97 today if he hadn’t double-crossed me

how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose

true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”

*the night I met my spouse*

Me: I don’t usually do this.

*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*

Me: I don’t usually do this.