Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I made this belt out of herbs

Her: why?

Me: oh, just waisting some thyme

Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.

Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.

Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.

After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.

I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous

Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn

Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶

Optometrist: “You need glasses.”

Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.

[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player

HER: I’m pansexual.

ME: Oh, cool.

*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*

Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles

Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles

Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20

My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.

I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 goose

Looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread

Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.

remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza

ME: There’s something fishy going on here.

YOU: It’s just an aquarium.

ME: Exactly.

As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.

A guy in my writing group is working on a piece about a superhero who is also a spy who is secretly a double agent. Nobody could convince him that a protagonist with six different names will confuse the hell out of his readers.

Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.

Working as an office assistant is fun. They will be like “Please schedule a meeting with these six people. Keep in mind that none of them are available to meet, ever.”

Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.

A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.

My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’

So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea

I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.

*reading a bedtime story to kids in the 1800s*
little miss muffet sat on her tuffet eating her curds & whey when all of a sudden robert ford shot jesse james in the back as he was hanging a picture, suddenly making interior decorating one of the most dangerous jobs in america

Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.

[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss

[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!

Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*

GF: What are you doing?

Me: Making myself look big

Bear: Well hi