Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cats are so graceful and light-footed.

[Cat tiptoes down the first half of the stairs and falls down the rest]

cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?

waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?

In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.

“I’m leaving you”

“why?”

“Your jokes are old and tiresome”

“but, I can updog”

“What’s updog?”

“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”

*slams door*

Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.

I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.

I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?

Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.

[ first time mugging ]

me: gimme all your mash

him: did..did you just say-

me: mash. omg i did

him: lol

me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry

him: np my dude, take it from the top

me: gimme all your coney ope

How to become a Saint

1: Become Catholic

2: Live an exemplary and pious life

3: Perform at least two miracles

Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby

I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.

centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm

doctor: it’s okay I can fix it

centaur: agh I broke my leg too

doctor: *cocks rifle*

Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:

“The meeting’s cancelled.”

omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client

Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.

Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”

Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”

Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”

My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.

“Do one thing today that scares you.”

*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*

“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.

There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.

“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.

“Does my uniform make me look fat?”,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

Insecurity guard……….

“Houston we … are fine.”

Female astronaut probably

What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender

Me: We spend a lot of time together.

Her: Turn left.

Me: Just think we should take this to the next level.

Her: Arriving at destination.

When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…

*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*

Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white panties

Me: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…

Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them

Her: I ran across a YouTube video called “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.”

Me: Did you watch it?

Her: No, it was 22 minutes long. I figure I’ll just take my chances.