Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
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It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.
*pee
The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.
“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”
I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,
Yeah. This was me today.
When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
your elf on the shelf was delicious
Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.
I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”
Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.
But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
[Shop class]
Satan: Whatcha makin’?
God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?
Satan: A bong.
My 7 year old’s Christmas wish list includes:
– a typewriter
– a boom box for his cassettes
– a book to learn cursive handwriting
– fountain pensWhat year does he live in??
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
I told my therapist I was upset she raised her rates again and she said that while I can’t control the situation, I can do something to control my reaction.
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.