Red red wine… goes to my head yea yea. Makes forget oh yea. That i been textin you.
~If UB40 had wrote Red Wine in todays society. 🤷♀️😂
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My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
Tomorrow’s weather forecast:
60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.
I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
The government created this winter storm and then closed the roads so I couldn’t go to lizard king church. I don’t even recognize this country anymore.
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
*Bites werewolf*
Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.
Werewolf: No!
Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
2 years later
In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.
I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
12653.
“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”
My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird