Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[First Date]

Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)

Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome

Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-

Guy: *grazing*

Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*

Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.

Normalize ordering a straw with your soup

Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.

my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems

Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.

Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?

3 PLACES I LOVE STAYING:
1. HOME
2. OUTTA PEOPLE BUSINESS
3. IN MY OWN LANE

exec: any ideas for new kids shows

writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster

exec: nice. what else?

writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite

exec: love it. any more?

writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun

Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.

me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT

Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.

I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.

My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?

When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.

An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re low on eyes.

I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.

if I was a priest I’d make my side of the confession booth really big so I could run around

Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!

For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.

Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.

Mom: here comes the plane!

Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?

I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.

I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem

The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’

I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, let’s take her to the vet and see if she has a microchip.”

Getting my 6yo from a playdate today:

6: “Bye! Thank you! You need to wash your hair!”

Friend’s mom (laughing): “I do?”

6: “Yeah, it’s black near your head!”

Friend’s mom (still laughing, thank god): “Oh honey, those are just my roots.”

Me, dying 1,000 deaths: “Time to go!”

The more we travel into the mountains the more little critters I see. A rabbit will run across the road, then a squirrel, then a crab. What?

Last-minute gift idea!

If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.

Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”

Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”

Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”