Red red wine… goes to my head yea yea. Makes forget oh yea. That i been textin you.
~If UB40 had wrote Red Wine in todays society. 🤷♀️😂
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Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
My children, who were born two years apart, recently informed me they are actually twins, that they know this on a soul-level, and that what happened was my youngest got tangled in a tube inside me somewhere and just sort of… hung out for two years on accident
cow = cattle
farmer = cattler
rennet = catalyst
*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me
[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
this is literally a CIA plant
recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam
My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.
Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.
Saying it, is just words.
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
scoring in hockey: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in baseball: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in basketball: 2, 4, 6, 8, 10
scoring in tennis: love, 15, 30, 40, turkey sandwich, spider, 57, keanu reeves
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
There is no “ea” in Tim.
[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that
I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces