Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.

35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle

Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.

Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.

*finds $20 in the dryer*

*adds money launderer to my resumé*

Chicago sounds lovely.

My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.

Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back

( 12pm. )

Friends: Want to go grab some lunch?

Me: Nah, I’m on a diet.

( 12am )

Me:

I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.

🙁

Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.

Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.

When you kidnap a writer.

I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.

Me: Please take my kids for a little bit

School: lol snow

We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.

We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.

This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.

My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.

I wish I tried half as hard at anything as the cooking world does to substitute regular pizza dough with random bullshit.

[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath

Friend: cheer up. There are plenty of fish in the sea

Me [slamming my fist on the table]: I’m attracted to women NOT fish, Gary!

‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’

(Me to my kids)

twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)

I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone

Somewhere in an alternate universe

And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.

My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.

Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party

[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]

ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it

*elephant crushes car*

why did I name you Stompy