Red red wine… goes to my head yea yea. Makes forget oh yea. That i been textin you.
~If UB40 had wrote Red Wine in todays society. 🤷♀️😂
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“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
taking one edible and remembering my high school locker combination then taking a second edible and forgetting how to multiply by six
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
“Hope you’re enjoying the sunshine!”
No, I’m at a desk reading your email.
Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me
[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]
“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”
*fist bump*
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
hacker: got them. all the social security numbers
boss: good work
[later getting back from the bank]
boss: ok apparently we need names too
I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.
went to this place once that claims it’s a brewery that doesn’t brew any of the beer it serves and the bartender was like “yep we are the first of our kind” & i didn’t have the heart to tell him that he opened up a bar, that’s a bar, bro
[DOG COP TV DRAMA]
DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!
SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.
5, 6, 7, 8 is the LMNOP of the numbers
You don’t have to worry about me when I’m hangry but you should keep your distance when I’m sleevil (sleepy + evil)
I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.
The 3 types of Christmas movies:
1. Movies about Santa.
2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.
3. Die Hard
*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*
Does this dress make me look cat?
I created you as mosquito food.
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
me: I think I’m losing my marbles
proctologist: I’m finding them
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.