Red red wine… goes to my head yea yea. Makes forget oh yea. That i been textin you.
~If UB40 had wrote Red Wine in todays society. 🤷♀️😂
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Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars
Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.
What do you do for a living?
I’m a spy !
Why are you dressed like a shepherd?
I’m a shepherds spy !
FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.
WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD
when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
Missed Connection:
I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.
Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.