Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”

What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?

[at hair salon]

Her (holding up mirror): Look good?
Me: Looks great!!!

[in car two minutes later]

Me (looking in mirror): wtf did she do to my hair

Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– Poetry

Things that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.

“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.

Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.

a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.

I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.

The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.

My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years

[first date]

HER: I like classic cars

ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels

my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.

get you someone as goofy as you.. is.

I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.

End any argument with a baby by saying “Well, at least my arms are longer than my head.” YA GOT SMOKED, BABY

Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?

Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon

I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.

Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.

Me: That’s a cam-

Wife: …

Me: Yes. Yes they do.

My wife just looked over at me, dreamy look in her eyes, sighed deeply, and said ever so softly, “I love soup.”

captain: hand in your gun

me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger

She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.

What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?

Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,

but Chickpeas

can just hummus one.

When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist

We just upgraded our iPhones so now I’ll be able to do the exact same things I did with my old phone but for an extra $23 a month.

[last day at job]

“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”

[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]

“Not you tho Phil”

Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.