Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.

[Shipwrecked diary]

Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.

Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.

She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.

[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that

I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?

Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.

The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.

Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.

I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.

Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????

Google assistant rules

What if my cans are tuna cans or industrial school size cans of peaches in syrup or old rusty tin cans connected with string, can I still show them off? I heard people like looking at other people’s cans

Dress for the demons you want, not the demons you have

My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.

I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart

why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?

OMG 🤣🤣

Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.

I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.

“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.

me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth

there was an aquarium projector in the MRI today and they had to pause the scan twice to say “please stop moving your head to watch the fish.” i am 31 years old

This is a bad idea on so many levels.

“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”

Doctor: Have often do you have sex?

Me: Once or twice

Doctor: A week?

Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on

When does CPR become necrophilia?

my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk