Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.

Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:

Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.

kthanksbye

My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.

dog 911: what’s your emergency

dog: there’s an intruder

dog 911: is he in your house?

dog: no, he’s across the street

dog 911: that’s not a problem

dog: what if he comes over here?

dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES

dog: SHOULD I BARK?

dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES

Not trying to brag but this cop says my rear end is smoking

What If When You Die They Ask You

“How Was Heaven?”

While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she “only eats farm-to-table,” and has “never felt better.”

Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.

Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?

There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.

Her: I want to travel the world in the new year

Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..

Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.

My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker

I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.

Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic

who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function

“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.

I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair

Thursday Thought.

Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.

Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.

My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.

party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which

*Dog begging for chocolate bar*

“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”

*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*

No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.

I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.

The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning

The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?

*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.

Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!

me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this

brain: even people who know you?

me: oh god no

I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.

Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this

If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing

Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?