RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?

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Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.


Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings

Me: too boring, right?

Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop


wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35


Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for

Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law


My whole life has felt like one big hammock and everybody is watching me try to get out of it.


I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.


17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.


My daughter plays recorder now and practices every single day, so yes, I believe in karma. I’m not even sure what I did, but I believe in it.


Fun trick:

Handcuff her and tell her you’re taking her to 50 Shades of Grey. That way she can’t escape when you go to The SpongeBob Movie.


I’m certain my job is interfering with my drinking