@dyldonot

RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?

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@bylinetd

Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.

One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!

@JohnLyonTweets

Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.

@Nikkeya08

Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.

Me: Can you take off the avocado?

Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.

@Kryzazy

I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.

@MNateShyamalan

WORK FROM HOME TIPS:

Have a routine. Shower/dress like normal. Keep a dedicated workspace. Fill a briefcase with sausages & carry it at all times. Stick to usual work hours. NEVER let raccoons trick you into trusting them with the beefcase: they dont have your interests at heart

@papasuncle

Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.

“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.

@AndyAsAdjective

Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad

@AlmightyBored

My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.

@TheTalkingPipe

I didn’t know how to put this gently so I drew you a picture. That’s you. Now, see the guy choking you? That’s me.