RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?
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Tell me you get it…🤣
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
[interview to be an undercover agent]
Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant
Janine: yes sir; next!
[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]
Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants
Oh no 😂😂💔😭
I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.
I hope his new foster family is nice.
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want
Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been
At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick
I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.
It says: STOP
You don’t need to study the dammed thing.
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.
[out in public]
12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?
me: [showing him he’s wrong]
12: now you look like an idiot
me: i hate kids man.
[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod
Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.
Autocorrect is my menesis
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.
If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.
a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets