@dyldonot

RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?

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@Darlainky

Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.

@RedRegenerated

Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings

Me: too boring, right?

Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop

@iwearaonesie

wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35

@FredTaming

Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for

Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law

@Sassafrantz

My whole life has felt like one big hammock and everybody is watching me try to get out of it.

@Angrea

I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.

@Just__J0

17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.

@LoveNLunchmeat

My daughter plays recorder now and practices every single day, so yes, I believe in karma. I’m not even sure what I did, but I believe in it.

@Eightinchgoat

Fun trick:

Handcuff her and tell her you’re taking her to 50 Shades of Grey. That way she can’t escape when you go to The SpongeBob Movie.

@Phook75

I’m certain my job is interfering with my drinking